Season 5 | Episode 8

“[Development professionals should] write down their accomplishments, because it's very easy to start measuring yourself by the ‘gift thermometer,’ instead of by the actions that we're doing. … But, if you can see the actions you've done during the week and know that you've done the legwork--you can't control the outcome, but you can control the preparation.”

Matt talks to Jenny Mitchell, CEO, coach, and author of “Embracing Ambition: Empowering Women to Step Out, be Seen and Lead.” The pair discuss the nitty-gritty of fundraising, including mastering the art of uncomfortable conversations and how to stay motivated and confidant when things aren’t going your way.

If you've ever thought about starting your own coaching business or wondered if it's time to bring in a coach, we've got you covered. Plus, Jenny reveals that "compassion" literally means “to suffer alongside.” Who knew suffering could be so... comforting? 

CONVERSATION HIGHLIGHT:

Matt:

So your company [Chavender], the tagline  is empowering women leaders to step out, be seen and lead, which is a great segue to our next session.  I think  part of DEI  that people don't think about when they talk about diversity, equity and inclusion is you have a lot of staff in your company that should be trained, should be taught, should be listened to, should be heard from, should be moved up  not just looking from folks outside.

And so I have a few questions from the audience from internal staff. Who are looking to do exactly what you said. Step out, be seen, and lead. So   one of the, one of the questions that I have is, and it's a no name question   is  I'd like some advice.  on how I can help with my confidence. I am struggling every day coming to the office.

I have no confidence in myself anymore.

Jenny:

I want to give him a big hug. Can we start with that?  

Matt:

I know. I know. I got that question. I was like, Oh, this is It's so sad, but okay, 

Jenny: 

And vulnerable,  brave, super, super brave. So thank you.  Thank you to whoever it is, who's speaking to that. So there's a couple of things that come to mind. You know, I now believe that if we heal the humans, the fundraising works itself out. 

I know that's really simplistic. Every time I've come in to address the fundraising, I've found that there's this wonderful human being that is looking to strengthen themselves. And so perhaps with this particular question, can you look inwards? That sounds so hokey. I sound like Buddha. But, but here's, here's where I'm going.

And I'm going to be very transparent here. Where is the sadness coming from? Where is the lack of confidence coming from? So there are external elements of lack of confidence and there are internal elements of lack of confidence. Internal is the stories that you were told growing up about yourself.

I talk a lot about core beliefs, those things that stop you from being happy. I talk a lot about liking yourself, Matt. It's like one of my core goals in life is to like myself because loving myself might be too far, but liking myself. I just love this idea. You know, when you practice kindness to yourself.

And so when I listened to that  statement from that caller, I think, how could you start? Liking what you do and who you are just a little bit more than yesterday, like let's start really, really small. And the other thing I would say is confidence comes from inside and internal validation of yourself, not from outside.

As much as I am the textbook hurdle jumper, if I just get one more degree, then I'll have the confidence,  right? 

Matt:

Yeah,  I hear that all the time, all the time, and it doesn't, and it isn't, it lingers, it stays with you. 

Jenny:

And I would just put a plug-in here. I personally was helped through therapy.

I went to therapy along, I've been to multiple times, but it really helped me get in touch with who I was. And I mentioned it on this call, there's therapy and then there's coaching. They're different.   But I find that a lot of smart people who are really good with their brains, who are quick, get disconnected from their feelings in their body.

And that disconnect eventually will show up.  And so when you're feeling that lack of confidence, I think it behooves us to ask why.  What is it? What's going on? And find some people who can help you with that because all the other stuff will roll out. Once you have that mojo back, pause, Matt, I have to say one more thing. 

Sometimes our workplaces are not safe for us. Sometimes it's the workplace that is creating the lack of confidence. And perhaps you are unable in that workplace to figure that out, which is another reason to go and find someone else. external to kind of process through that. I just felt I needed to, say that.

Matt:

No, you're right. You're absolutely right. And that's always a question of, well, maybe I shouldn't be here any longer either. Right? So my sister told me something that I think is really important to add to that when you're talking about liking yourself. And she said every single time you walk through a door,  Think about something you like about yourself.

That's it. And tell yourself, this is something I'm proud of, or this is something I like, or this is something you do great. And, and I've actually been starting that. And it's not easy, by the way, because you walk through a door like a lot.   But I do think that it's been really helpful. And I think that it's something that people should also practice.

Jenny:

I love that. That's great advice. 

So from a coaching perspective, from a neurological perspective, we are hardwired to remember the bad because we don't want to get eaten by the Jaguar around the corner.  Right? So we remember the negative. We have a negative bias by definition, neurologically.

So you actually need three positives to counteract the negative. So every time you stand in front of a mirror and you say, Oh, look at those wrinkles again, right? In my world,  I similarly, wow, have I ever got great arms?  Wow. I like my smile.  Wow. You know, I've got good hair. No, there's no gray hair yet. Right?

So just sort of counteracting that, that doorway is a great analogy, but just know that it's biological. It's not you.  

LINKS: Jenny’s book: Embracing Ambition: Empowering Women to Step out, be Seen and Lead